This is me at about 10 or so. We were on a train from Washington DC to NYC and I was SOOO excited to see big city life. At this time, we lived in a town of 554 people in Texas…so DC and New York City were both a world of thrill and adventure to little me. You can see the sparkling excitement in my 10 year old eyes.

And here we are today, Jan 6, 2025, on the eve of my 46th birthday. I have a lovely life. A wonderful, handsome, adoring husband and two high school sons who are full of adventure and teenage antics and who, furthermore, eat us out of house and home. I love our life – even when it’s stressful and hard.

But what I want to write about today is not my family…but a line I read in my medical chart notes. It’s stuck with me and pulled at my heart and soul.

A little back story – I broke my elbow this summer – ironically in NYC. I fell off a bike in Central Park with my youngest son, and landed in a weird way and fractured the radial head of my elbow. This little fracture has somehow caused major problems. I guess the elbow doesn’t get great blood flow so it’s known for having problems healing. I had surgery – 2 pins placed and did extensive physical therapy for 6 months to try to get back my range of motion. I also wore this horrible “stretching” cast that slowly stretched my arm straight and flexed – basically it was an insurance approved medieval torture device.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d do all this painful work and not get back my full range of motion. My body has always healed in the past. Why wouldn’t it now?

Yet, in December in my orthopedic doctor’s office, I heard the alarming news that my full range of motion was probably not going to come back. I was advised to stop PT and other interventions and go back to my normal life and see if somehow I could get a few more degrees of motion, but I probably wouldn’t ever go back to a regular flexing and extending arm.

He wrote in the clinical notes, “She will likely experience some loss of terminal extension…”

She will likely experience some loss.

As a words person, this phrase caught me.

I immediately pictured me as a little girl, with a title above my head that said the same – She will likely experience some loss.

Because, unfortunately that’s life, isn’t it. One of my close friends has gone thru breast cancer this year. And in a time of prayer with the Lord, she heard him say to her heart… “did you think you’d make it through this life without scars?”

When she told me that, I teared up. One, for all that she’s been through, and two because unfortunately, yes, sometimes I DO think we are supposed to live life scar free.

Not because that’s what I see in the world, but because that’s the way life is supposed to be.

We aren’t supposed to live in a world where young women get cancer and bodies don’t heal. We aren’t supposed to live in a world where there is war, starvation, slavery, and terrorism.

To quote T.S. Elliot’s The Wasteland, “all we know is a heap of broken images…”

Yes, T.S. that is very true.

But we also know it’s not supposed to be this way.

We long for justice, restoration and healing.

We long for the Kingdom of God. Even if we aren’t believers, we still have the longing and that ache inside of us for things to be made new. To be whole. To be free. To not experience loss.

And, surprisingly it’s THIS exact ache that I think calls us toward God. This ache propels us to wonder if we are made for something more…for a world that’s a heap of BEAUTIFUL images, whole and healed and restored.

I asked Jesus about this phrase. “She will likely experience some loss.” I asked him to tell me more and sensed him say, “Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. Yes, you will likely experience some loss in this life, but it can still be well with your soul because the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who experience loss.”

Blessed are those who experience loss.

Why?

Because loss is a universal connector. It makes us long for the Kingdom, which has been given to those who so desperately long for things to be made new. The Kingdom of God belongs to the desperate, the hurting, those longing for healing and restoration…

So when I see little me on that train, I know…yes it’s true…She will likely experience some loss, BUT she will CERTAINLY experience God make all things new in His Kingdom.

Blessed.

It is well with my soul.

My sweet husband and sons gifted me the best gift I’ve ever received this Christmas. They published my manuscript!! My oldest son designed the cover, and Vince spent hours formatting the text.

After years of rejection from publishers, years of brainstorming hybrid vs. self publishing (and the exorbitant cost we were quoted to self publish), somehow my genius husband DID IT!

Reese said, “Mom, we hope this gives you confidence to go for it.”

😭

The greatest gift.

A hard copy of my dream.

Thank you to my amazing boys…Vince, Reese and Parker. Thank you for believing in me and for a push to keep going even when the world said no.

I love you!